2018 seems to be a bad year for my real life family.
I just got word that my birth father has passed away.
I am not 100% sure of all the details. I know he was diagnosed with small cell cancer in his lungs. So this is why I am writing about it here, in another Relay for Life post…
At the same time… although I am sorry that he is gone. I am glad that he literally only suffered for a few months, with the one really really bad day… because if you all remember, my father in law, and the last year… was basically everything that happened to my birth father in one day but stretched into a long painful year… So, a small blessing that it was over quickly.
Now, I have this dilemma.
-It’s about to get real personal here, so if this is not your thing, you may want to jump to the end of this post for photo information.-
My sister in law has asked me if I would like a keepsake with some of his ashes.
I didn’t grow up with him. He had the chance to be a part of my life and chose not to be. He was given another chance and chose not to be, or rather barely be… so… if he didn’t want to be a part of my life, alive… is it really fair for me to force him to be, in death?
I don’t know what to say. Part of me is saying yes. That with what he had told me in the past about -his- beliefs about what happens after death, he won’t know one way or another but, the part of me that believes that we do not simply end doesn’t think I should.
But, it makes me sad to think both thoughts.
Maybe if there is someone out there, that believes something similar, maybe you could talk to me… because, I am torn.
I am afraid of regret. I am afraid that if I do it, I will feel his torment. And I am afraid that if I do not, I will feel like I have lost something I can never, ever, get back.
If someone were to ask me if I wanted Dad’s ashes (a keepsake of my father in laws ashes. A piece of his life.), then I would accept because I know he loved me, and I was an accepted part of his family.
So, being asked if I want a keepsake of my birth father’s ashes… Not know if I was accepted. Knowing that I never felt, nor believed that I was loved… then, I just don’t know.
It’s a scary internal struggle.
I know that many of you reading this right now, likely think I am being selfish in some way. I am not. I can only express how I feel because I am not in charge of -his- family’s feelings. I do not know what he had told them about me, other than my existence. I do not know how they all feel. I do not know how his life affected any of them because they all chose not to keep in touch. So I am only able to share how I personally feel.
Now, I have to be honest. I have this feeling that now that the only reason we all were in any contact was my, birth father… now that he is gone… the extremely sporadic contact I had with the extended family is likely going to end altogether. And it sucks.
I think it’s every foster kid’s dream to have their family suddenly want them in their lives. Maybe all of my confused feelings, are just all my fault because maybe I put too much pressure on my hopes and dreams to be a part of a family again. Not including my children in this but, in a way, it would affect them as well. My family, is their family, etc.
Anyway… I am going to go and rest. My existential dilemma is very, tiring. And I have more confused feelings. And I really need help from someone that has had similar feelings… if that person exists. Please, let me know.
Signing off… I hope that you all have a better 2018 than my family, extend and immediate seems to be having.
Descriptions are always as follows
Item/URL | Product Name | Event | Month
I do my best to always credit everything in my photos.
No matter the length of my posts, I always include the above explanation in my styling area.
I hope that you have enjoyed this post!
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Shape | So Hawt SL – Shapes | Jessie J (catwa) | coming soon!
Body | Belleza | Isis (Bento) New Update
Head | CATWA | Catya 3.2 | New Release
Ears | Swallow | Elf Ears
Skin | Birth | ‘Penelope | Fantasy Faire | April 2018
Eyes | Avi-Glam | Luna – 05 (a commons color) | Pocket Gacha | April 2018
Hair | Phoenix | Alice | New Release
Dress | dafnis | margo | New release
Shoes | Rebel Gal x Parker | Horizon_Suede_Sandal – Black.
Necklace 1/Armbands | Bite&Claw | :Lyta Jewelry – Silver | Fantasy Faire | April 2018
Necklace 2 | *OAL* | Memorial Locket Eternal Circle | Fantasy Faire | April 2018
Poses | Pose Maniacs | Candice
Background | VARONIS | StarDust Background